Yet again I haven’t blogged for ages but I guess this post has got me pretty excited and will hopefully partially make up for the lack of posts recently. So yeah I will admit that I’ve been having a pretty crap year and i know i exaggerate but like this year has been so stressful, full of assignments, filled schedules and just spiritual dryness.
It didnt really occur to me till just then how amazing it has been. Like they always go when you look back it wasnt so bad and i’ll say honestly that looking back I still remember it being pretty bad but the part im really excited about is that I finally see how my years of praying that God will really change me and really just help me to become more like him has had its impact. Especially recently Ive been doing a lot of soul searching I would call it and just trying to figure out whats wrong with me, why am I like this, what are my goals, what am I driven by and in doing so Ive encounter my numerous idols and been able to realise whats at my core.
i post this now, exactly 11hours till my maths yearly tomorrow cos well its like the final piece of the puzzle for me. I know i have pride issues, image issues, issues with how I appear to others, issues with my time but today its like i recognised one of my biggest life issues and thats I hate disappointment and letting people down. It’s funny now i think about it but I can honestly say if you ask me to do something I will do everything in my power to complete that task, no matter how stressful it is, how long it will take, what i will have to do and even if it means trying numerous times, thinking of different solutions or even going obviously out of my way to do it. Maybe its the expectation I have for myself. I don’t know but they always say the first step to recovery is realising youre problems and for that I’m legit so thankful.
This all relates back to a sermon I once heard. I cant remember where or who said it or even the exact details but I remember an analogy they used of how people catch monkeys in some country I cant remember where I assume monkeys live and is tropical. There they have coconuts with holes just large enough for the monkeys hand to reach in where they would place nuts that the monkey would grab. After grabbing the nuts its hand? paw? would become a fist with the nut inside and it wouldnt be able to go unless it let go of the nuts and I remember hearing how easy it is to get free but the monkey would want the nuts (not even sure if its nuts now i think about it) so badly that it wouldn’t released its hand. In the same way, I realise now I’ve been sitting here bottling up my inner issues so much hoping that no one can see it, working on other things and yet it too is so easy for me to let go, so easy for me to just give it all to God, to Jesus to deal with. Its funny the longer I think about it the more I’m like not sure if the sermon was about letting going of sins and being free or whether it was about holding onto God and never letting go but thats how I see it now. Despite that I will say that I feel so much more free now that I’ve realised my issues and really been able to just say it, admit it and know that Jesus has got it covered.
I’ve always put pressure on myself. In many ways I’m like my own asian parent. Its funny cos now I think about it, I realise how much not disappointing myself played a major role in my life and the way that I would give myself consequences for not doing things right and even when I drive, I get so frustrated when I do a bad turn or make a bad decision just cos I know I can do alot better. I will say I reckon expectations and goals are good but when it becomes something you cry and break down over there’s an issue.
Just all this self-searching and figuring out where my issues lay and talking about them to people has really helped me to let go, become more confident and refind myself with God. There was a time where I kept repeating to myself God has a plan and it will be all good and I wasnt even sure whether I believed it anymore but I know now that He always ALWAYS has a plan and a purpose and that I have been so blessed to have those around me who have continuously listened and prayed and given me advice. Its funny how the topic last week for youth was God is sovereign and I guess I can say I see it.
xxx JO
NB. I just figured where the monkey thing was from! it was rice and I’m guessing it was about letting go and being free cos the theme was freedom but yah!
