For a control freak, I am unorganised as and that just makes me so stressed. The last week has been assessment time for me which means a hectic week of cramming and really trying to just finish everything.
Today it's nearing the end but there's still two more assessments for me due next week. The problem is that duke of ed is this weekend meanin I have no weekend time which has really made me panic so much and actually so stressed that I can't sleep.
It's really left me wondering WHY AM I SO EASILY STRESSED and WHY AM I NOT ORGANISED!! There's really not much that you can say to me when I'm in my madly stressed mood except give me paper and pen to write a list and give me coffee. But I guess a verse I've recently been reading and has helped me is Jeremiah 1:5. It's not as amazing as Jeremiah 29:11 (all of the bibles good but I do have my favs) here it is:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
Although I can't interpret that as im meant to be a prophet, for me it really does mean that God knows me and he made me this certain way and that for whatever reason it is, this is just exactly how I'm meant to be.
It's quite hard sometimes to really understand or believe that your perfect the way you are. For me it's just comforting to know God didn't make a mistake or something. As I go off to Duke of Ed for the weekend and completely stress-off-my-head I really do give all my problems to God cos it really is one of the best feelings ever to know something's not your problem anymore. Hope you all try that.
Xxxx Jo
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Sunday, 21 October 2012
21/10/12 - God's Way
Its funny how quickly things can change. 3 hours ago this post would be about how while completing my PD assessment I realised how amazing God is and how he created all these cultures eventhough he really doesnt have to and how special and incredible his creations are. I even have the cutest eskimo kid ever.
But since then well lets just say I've had a fit. What I'm about to share really is quite personal to me and really makes me quite teary. I spent alot of yesterday deciding whehter to share it or not and i guess its finally gotten to me that Im gonna tell you cos it firstly helps me figure it out and secondly i dont know maybe its encouraging for you?
Let me start by saying I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and yes I still havent finished. The bit that really got me were two verses.
Not only do we not deserve his plan but i try to create my own plan. I am a control freak and i need to have every single of everything under control and I need to be in control of everything. This is the bit they may come as a surprise to some. In many ways I often feel like its my duty to be that perfect person, the perfect Christian, someone everyone else looks up to, someone with all the answers; someones thats just perfect. Yet I know I'm never going to be perfect no matter how hard I try, it just wont happen. People put pressure on themeselves to do well in test, people put pressure on themselves to become the best at something but i guess i realise I put pressure on myself to be perfect in every way.
The part that really got me to type this up today basically in short is that there will be a Christmas event at church and I will not be involved in anyway. (this may sound bad and I really hope no-one from church reads this though thats probs not gonna happen hahah) I guess I feel like I should be included. I hate being excluded. I love being in the middle of everything and I love being involed and doing stuff but for once Im not included and for me that is actually something really big. I know everything happens for a reason but this is effecting my relationships in the sense that i feel like I just have to distance myself and avoid it.
In many ways I am jealous. I'm always jealous. I'm jealous of the people that make better cake than me (making me not want to bake for anyone). Im jealous of missionaries and how they can be so close and dependent on God. Im jealous of people with hardships where they really seek God and become closer to him. Im jealous of those that are getting baptised. I get told I look at the faults alot and i know its true.
The reason I talk about all of this now is cos I really think that its effecting the most important thing and thats God.
(Wow this is ubber long, I feel for all those who have read up to here) Normally I try to end things with how I've fixed stuff or how its all good now but I really have no ending. I have no answer and I have no idea what to do. I'll finish now with my last para sorta of my letter.
xxx Jo
But since then well lets just say I've had a fit. What I'm about to share really is quite personal to me and really makes me quite teary. I spent alot of yesterday deciding whehter to share it or not and i guess its finally gotten to me that Im gonna tell you cos it firstly helps me figure it out and secondly i dont know maybe its encouraging for you?
Let me start by saying I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and yes I still havent finished. The bit that really got me were two verses.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5Knowing God has a plan is just so comforting and so amazing but it really got me think why ME? When I think about it really makes me teary that he would want to use someone so proud and so self centred like me. This got me writing. I find that when you write stuff down it just seems more clear so I wrote to God and I legit wrote 3 pages. I dont know whether to type it out now or what but I guess the main thing is that basically its about how we dont deserve to be choosen, we dont deserve to be used by Him, we dont deserve his creation. As i look outside now at the pink sky and really just how amazing his work is, it really puzzles me why he would use me. Why he would want me.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10
Not only do we not deserve his plan but i try to create my own plan. I am a control freak and i need to have every single of everything under control and I need to be in control of everything. This is the bit they may come as a surprise to some. In many ways I often feel like its my duty to be that perfect person, the perfect Christian, someone everyone else looks up to, someone with all the answers; someones thats just perfect. Yet I know I'm never going to be perfect no matter how hard I try, it just wont happen. People put pressure on themeselves to do well in test, people put pressure on themselves to become the best at something but i guess i realise I put pressure on myself to be perfect in every way.
The part that really got me to type this up today basically in short is that there will be a Christmas event at church and I will not be involved in anyway. (this may sound bad and I really hope no-one from church reads this though thats probs not gonna happen hahah) I guess I feel like I should be included. I hate being excluded. I love being in the middle of everything and I love being involed and doing stuff but for once Im not included and for me that is actually something really big. I know everything happens for a reason but this is effecting my relationships in the sense that i feel like I just have to distance myself and avoid it.
In many ways I am jealous. I'm always jealous. I'm jealous of the people that make better cake than me (making me not want to bake for anyone). Im jealous of missionaries and how they can be so close and dependent on God. Im jealous of people with hardships where they really seek God and become closer to him. Im jealous of those that are getting baptised. I get told I look at the faults alot and i know its true.
The reason I talk about all of this now is cos I really think that its effecting the most important thing and thats God.
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stnad firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel. Philippians 1:27This verse really gets me cos it says to conduct yourselves in a manner WORTHY of the gospel of Christ. I am definitely not worthy and it's a reminder im not living for myself and I dont live to make myself look good or to make what I want happen. At the end of the day it's all for Jesus. For me thats really hard to accept. In relation to the Christmas event, I was talking to my mum (well more like bawling my eyes out but anyways) and what she said that struck me was that it's really up to God what happens. I am determined (like stubbornly determined, so determined that even if you paid me 1 million dollars i wouldnt consider it,) to not go. I'm quite arrogant in the sense that in the end God is probs just gonna make me go and I wont have 'won' and i will go and hate every minute of it. Whats even more stubborn is that normally I would pray that whatever Gods plan is that it will happen and I will be happy but this time I'm too scared to pray that. Im too scared to be happy about something I have no part in. Im too scared to go to something that I have no say in. I'm too scared for God's plan. Pretty ironic considering all my life the most comforting verse to me has been Jeremiah 29:11 all about God's plan.
(Wow this is ubber long, I feel for all those who have read up to here) Normally I try to end things with how I've fixed stuff or how its all good now but I really have no ending. I have no answer and I have no idea what to do. I'll finish now with my last para sorta of my letter.
I konw I always want to be involed in everything and that I really love being the centre of everything. I pray you will help me to really be satisfied just by you and not by other stuff.Its so amazing to know he's always there, always listening and always comforting.
I feel lke you really did choose one of the worst most hopeless arrogant people to be part of your plan. I have no idea what you choose me but I pray that you will lead me, you will give me the words and you will do whatever you want with me no matter what that means for me. I'm sorry for not putting you first. I'm sorry for being a bad example. I'm sorry for trying to take control of your plans. I'm sorry for being jealous and only looking at what i dont have. Im sorry for thinking and comparing myself with others. I'm sorry for letting your name down. I'm so thankful for your love and forgiveness and I really pray you will help me to trully love you with all my heart, soul and mind. Amen
xxx Jo
Friday, 19 October 2012
19/10/12 - In my Spare Time..
I havent posted for ages which is really sad but Ive been having lots of yearlies and assessments recently. I would like to say that Ive been busy studying thus not blogging but really Ive been intensely watching tv and trying to fit in some study in the ads. I believe in the you dont need to study if you listen in class cos it just sticks in your brain but then again i dont exactly listen.
Anyways i've been brought up being told that google has all the answers (not my problem when i couldnt spell a word or when i didnt know the answer to something my dad would tell me to google it) For some reason after a test i just do really random stuff. The point im getting to is that something thats been really bugging me is how in my 'pencil case' a pen leaked. (i say 'pencil case' because i currently use a glad bag for my pencilcase cos my pencilcase broke and I really havent had time to go buy nor do i know where you buy them from)
What Ive been trying to get to is that i googled how to get pen ink off plastic. All i can say is trust yahoo answers to be the first result. I go there just to read and see. Like i do this sorta stuff quite often but i never intend to do what it actually says. It was all this cleaning product and blah blah but i got to hairspray and theres just something about using stuff you already have at home which really appeals to me. I was actually quite skeptical cos like you know its hairspray and all but what do you know it actually works. For the last 30mins Ive legit sat on the ground just spray and wiping my pens and i must say Im quite proud of all my hard work.
Thats all i have to say for today. Hope your all doing something more productive
xxx Jo
Anyways i've been brought up being told that google has all the answers (not my problem when i couldnt spell a word or when i didnt know the answer to something my dad would tell me to google it) For some reason after a test i just do really random stuff. The point im getting to is that something thats been really bugging me is how in my 'pencil case' a pen leaked. (i say 'pencil case' because i currently use a glad bag for my pencilcase cos my pencilcase broke and I really havent had time to go buy nor do i know where you buy them from)
What Ive been trying to get to is that i googled how to get pen ink off plastic. All i can say is trust yahoo answers to be the first result. I go there just to read and see. Like i do this sorta stuff quite often but i never intend to do what it actually says. It was all this cleaning product and blah blah but i got to hairspray and theres just something about using stuff you already have at home which really appeals to me. I was actually quite skeptical cos like you know its hairspray and all but what do you know it actually works. For the last 30mins Ive legit sat on the ground just spray and wiping my pens and i must say Im quite proud of all my hard work.
Thats all i have to say for today. Hope your all doing something more productive
xxx Jo
Friday, 12 October 2012
13/10/12 - When no ones around...
I'm one of those horrible people who like catching people in the middle of doing something weird or awkward. (i'm meant to be studying atm but i really love talking more than taking in and listening) I was at target getting more shorts for my touch team and anyways I was in the random corner where they have all the tutus and girls dress up stuff and its here i awkwardly find a boy whos around 9 trying on a rainbow tutu. When he sees me he awkwardly stops and looks around like umm..im not doing what you think im doing.
I love catching people doing stuff but i also really like doing random stuff when no ones around. The first time i was ever home alone I decided that I wanted to stand on the dining table and touch the roof. Then there have been times where Ive just wanted to climb and stand on stuff cos I'm not allowed to. Sad thing is that my dad installed video cameras in our living room and at the front door. Not that he looks through the video but it does make you think before you act. NowI dont think im either gonna sit on a clothes line or go try and sit on top of the sky light.
Even as I write this sitting home alone I really wanna stick my hand in the fish tank and catch a fish with my hand. I'll tell you how that goes if i ever do it but its just sooo tempting.
BACK TO STUDYING FOR ME!! yearlies starting monday and sadly i cant even remeber what i learnt last term.
xxx Jo
I love catching people doing stuff but i also really like doing random stuff when no ones around. The first time i was ever home alone I decided that I wanted to stand on the dining table and touch the roof. Then there have been times where Ive just wanted to climb and stand on stuff cos I'm not allowed to. Sad thing is that my dad installed video cameras in our living room and at the front door. Not that he looks through the video but it does make you think before you act. NowI dont think im either gonna sit on a clothes line or go try and sit on top of the sky light.
Even as I write this sitting home alone I really wanna stick my hand in the fish tank and catch a fish with my hand. I'll tell you how that goes if i ever do it but its just sooo tempting.
BACK TO STUDYING FOR ME!! yearlies starting monday and sadly i cant even remeber what i learnt last term.
xxx Jo
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
11/10/12 - Amazing Truth
Sorry for the last four days I've been away at band tour and its starting to come to that dreaded block of the year where assessments are due everyday and there are yearlies. I have appauling timing but since I've realised how I've been getting off track I havent had time to even think about it.
Today on one of my only free afternoons I guess I've really been trying to rediscover God. Its so hard to remember what you are actually worshipping sometimes when it becomes a routine and just something that you can do without thinking or getting into a certain place. For me just sitting in the study that does something. I dont actually use it to study but like sitting somewhere away from a tv and away from noise somehow just puts everything into clarity.
I just finished the first chapter of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Ive been really wanting to read it but like im a slow reader and I really am so packed that I have no time. Theres this part where you watch a video. (just dragged it beneath cos I've been wanting to do that for a while) but the thing that really got to me is that really just how amazing it all is. Sometimes you really just need to stop and think about it and just how crazy and how weird God trully is and also how if we have something so amazing what are we doing living our lives the same way?
I have a really short attention spam and lets just say that well i only properly concetrated for 10mins of that but even from that its just so easy to forget what you are really living for and to get distracted in you day to day life. Its so easy to put God at the back and not where he belongs first.
xxx Jo
Today on one of my only free afternoons I guess I've really been trying to rediscover God. Its so hard to remember what you are actually worshipping sometimes when it becomes a routine and just something that you can do without thinking or getting into a certain place. For me just sitting in the study that does something. I dont actually use it to study but like sitting somewhere away from a tv and away from noise somehow just puts everything into clarity.
I just finished the first chapter of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Ive been really wanting to read it but like im a slow reader and I really am so packed that I have no time. Theres this part where you watch a video. (just dragged it beneath cos I've been wanting to do that for a while) but the thing that really got to me is that really just how amazing it all is. Sometimes you really just need to stop and think about it and just how crazy and how weird God trully is and also how if we have something so amazing what are we doing living our lives the same way?
I have a really short attention spam and lets just say that well i only properly concetrated for 10mins of that but even from that its just so easy to forget what you are really living for and to get distracted in you day to day life. Its so easy to put God at the back and not where he belongs first.
xxx Jo
Saturday, 6 October 2012
07/10/12 - Realising Your Heart
I'm currently really hating my devotions. Mainly cos well all the things just apply to me. It's funny how I went from just realising my life is so screwed up at the moment and wanting just to survive the year and start fresh next year to reading about well how no matter how hard you try and how good your intentions it's Gods plan and not yours.
Something I was told today that really got me is that really think about what your living for. I mean deeply think. What do you think about before you sleep? What do you do or think first thing you wake up? For me it really has changed from God to other people and serving them and helping them.
Recently I've been going to bed late talking through people's problems and waking and replying to the many different messages I have to then planning things. What will happen here or what's going on with that. Inbetween this all I've really left God aside.
It's really simple stuff. Like I think this one person is worth missing out one day of devotion or i'll do this later right now I need to figure this out instead.
I've been asked so much recently why do you do all this and you realise you can't solve everyone's problems. Really today I trully have been thinking and just trying to figure it all out. It wasn't until I got to my devotions that it really got to me. Basically it was saying you can have the best intentions and everything but without God you won't be able to get anywhere.
In so many ways I've grown up knowing that I have to do something with my life; I have to live a life that makes a difference. For me I just really want to become that person that everyone admires and that you look at and go how do they do that; I want to be that person on top of everything and really has everything figured.
I like to always have something figured by the end of a post. I like to write something and say that it's all good and I've figured it out but I honestly for once haven't. I really don't know what to do and I really cannot physically take myself to drop something (this is probs some type of hoarding or disorder)
In many ways I feel like its my duty to go any problem you have here's an answer go fix yourself. I don't know anymore. I sometimes honestly wish I was in some South American country or some other place where Christians are discriminated against because in hard times you really go to God. I keep telling myself it's a challenge more in good times but yeah I haven't got an answer I just want to get it out and make it feel more official to myself.
If you have something I really beg you to think into it and really get to the bottom. I wasn't going to blog this but I feel like I need to share that no one is or will be perfect and that no matter how much you take on you really can't do it alone. You can blame it on so much like I blame my hate for reading making reading the bible and other Christian books a pain to read but at the end of the day it's truly your heart.
Xxxxx Jo
Ps. Good job on reading that all if you did. It's so long that I'm not gonna reread through it all.
Something I was told today that really got me is that really think about what your living for. I mean deeply think. What do you think about before you sleep? What do you do or think first thing you wake up? For me it really has changed from God to other people and serving them and helping them.
Recently I've been going to bed late talking through people's problems and waking and replying to the many different messages I have to then planning things. What will happen here or what's going on with that. Inbetween this all I've really left God aside.
It's really simple stuff. Like I think this one person is worth missing out one day of devotion or i'll do this later right now I need to figure this out instead.
I've been asked so much recently why do you do all this and you realise you can't solve everyone's problems. Really today I trully have been thinking and just trying to figure it all out. It wasn't until I got to my devotions that it really got to me. Basically it was saying you can have the best intentions and everything but without God you won't be able to get anywhere.
In so many ways I've grown up knowing that I have to do something with my life; I have to live a life that makes a difference. For me I just really want to become that person that everyone admires and that you look at and go how do they do that; I want to be that person on top of everything and really has everything figured.
I like to always have something figured by the end of a post. I like to write something and say that it's all good and I've figured it out but I honestly for once haven't. I really don't know what to do and I really cannot physically take myself to drop something (this is probs some type of hoarding or disorder)
In many ways I feel like its my duty to go any problem you have here's an answer go fix yourself. I don't know anymore. I sometimes honestly wish I was in some South American country or some other place where Christians are discriminated against because in hard times you really go to God. I keep telling myself it's a challenge more in good times but yeah I haven't got an answer I just want to get it out and make it feel more official to myself.
If you have something I really beg you to think into it and really get to the bottom. I wasn't going to blog this but I feel like I need to share that no one is or will be perfect and that no matter how much you take on you really can't do it alone. You can blame it on so much like I blame my hate for reading making reading the bible and other Christian books a pain to read but at the end of the day it's truly your heart.
Xxxxx Jo
Ps. Good job on reading that all if you did. It's so long that I'm not gonna reread through it all.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
05/10/12 - Good from Bad
I always love verses that remind me of how God is in control and has a plan and makes everything alright. Ive just come acrross one very much like Jeremiah 29:11 but i guess it focusesses more on how all bad things dont have to bad.
Here it is:
The biggest thing for me is that Joseph was the most love child out of 12 and had basically the best life until he was basically kidnap and shoved into a well and later sold by his own brothers. From there he was sent to Egypt and made a slave. After a while he became the head slave before then being wrongly accused and put into jail where he again became the head prisioner and later being freed and becoming the second most powerful person of Egypt.
I'm pretty sure if it was me, I would just ask to have them all killed or at least scare them abit. The faith and assurance that Joseph has in God is really a reflection of how when you change your thinking and your mindset to be fully focussed on God, amazing things can happen. Its so assuring konwing that like even bad things have something good that'll come out of it all.
Anyways I'm off to attempt to coach with one of my close friends Mel C today.
xxx Jo
Here it is:
But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:19-20This verse has really changed my opinion of the old testament. For me that has always been the old hard to understand bit with random stories mixed between that well, i honestly try to avoid but having said that I really love this verse and espeically if you think about all the background with it as well.
The biggest thing for me is that Joseph was the most love child out of 12 and had basically the best life until he was basically kidnap and shoved into a well and later sold by his own brothers. From there he was sent to Egypt and made a slave. After a while he became the head slave before then being wrongly accused and put into jail where he again became the head prisioner and later being freed and becoming the second most powerful person of Egypt.
I'm pretty sure if it was me, I would just ask to have them all killed or at least scare them abit. The faith and assurance that Joseph has in God is really a reflection of how when you change your thinking and your mindset to be fully focussed on God, amazing things can happen. Its so assuring konwing that like even bad things have something good that'll come out of it all.
Anyways I'm off to attempt to coach with one of my close friends Mel C today.
xxx Jo
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
03/10/12 - Drifting from God
I always have epiphanies in the shower and today was no difference. The only difference was that normally it's about how I can solve a problem or fix something but today it was more realising a problem. Recently i haven't been blogging a lot and it comes back to where I am. How everything in my life seems alright and how from there it's so easy to drift from God.
Especially this holiday for me, I've been very filled up and busy. I really live being busy but there really comes a time where you realise there's so much going on that your priorities seem like they're not right. This holidays my priorities have been about many things but one thing it hasn't been about is God.
I've grown up around Christianity and Jesus and in a way that's made my drifting more hard to see. I know you should read the bible everyday so I've been doing that just as a chore and even prayer has been back to routine with the same Dear God please help this day to be for you Amen. There's nothing wrong with that prayer but its when it becomes something you cos you have to that becomes an issue.
It's times like this when you really just sit and think about how amazing God and just what a big problem he has loving people that never deliver to his standards, people that go against him, people that don't obey. To know he still loves you and still gives you a chance is something that no one or nothing else can give you.
One song that I always love listening to in times like this is running in circle because it really just sums it all up. How we run from God and we think we don't need him and focus our lives on other things but then at the end of the day what we really need is God.
I pray that we all really see our problems and deal with them and that we remember that all we need is God.
Xxx Jo
Especially this holiday for me, I've been very filled up and busy. I really live being busy but there really comes a time where you realise there's so much going on that your priorities seem like they're not right. This holidays my priorities have been about many things but one thing it hasn't been about is God.
I've grown up around Christianity and Jesus and in a way that's made my drifting more hard to see. I know you should read the bible everyday so I've been doing that just as a chore and even prayer has been back to routine with the same Dear God please help this day to be for you Amen. There's nothing wrong with that prayer but its when it becomes something you cos you have to that becomes an issue.
It's times like this when you really just sit and think about how amazing God and just what a big problem he has loving people that never deliver to his standards, people that go against him, people that don't obey. To know he still loves you and still gives you a chance is something that no one or nothing else can give you.
One song that I always love listening to in times like this is running in circle because it really just sums it all up. How we run from God and we think we don't need him and focus our lives on other things but then at the end of the day what we really need is God.
I pray that we all really see our problems and deal with them and that we remember that all we need is God.
Xxx Jo
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