The Start of Exams

I blog now not really knowing what to do. Tomorrow is the beginning of prelims. I guess I have a pretty good exam timetable with only monday, wednesday and friday in the first week and monday and friday in the second week even if I have two on friday.

It wasnt until around 3 hours ago I guess I started to panic. It feels like this always happens to me. I think everythings gonna be fine and I dont needa do anything cept then I go on twitter or something and I see people going theyre trying to memorise essays or stuff like that and it seriously freaks me out.

Tomorrow is Advanced English and I seriously hate advanced. Like it is seriously the most dry and boring subject in the world. So like the noob I am, I decided that I would not study it and well lets just say it was all going great until I realised that I legit have no idea what to talk about or what to do in the exam.

In a way I feel like I’m always failing God and failing my parents cos well I guess you could say I have natural talent I just dont work very hard and I guess I dont ever feel like I try hard or really do my best. I seriously have no idea what Im gonna do over the next two weeks cos my heads telling me to panic and study hard but the reality is Im pretty sure Im gonna be fine.

Im seriously hoping that in the next two weeks, I will really be able to do my best and really go through prelims knowing that I not only tried my best but also that no matter what else I did or change whatever happened could not have done any better with the time I had and my ability. I seriously hope that well… over the next week I’ll get to know God more above all else and really just have the time to put him first. As much as I’m half scared about prelims I am excited just for the days off, to really prepare myself in advanced and also to maybe force myself to do exercise again cos I’ve legit slacked off recently

xx Jo

Letting go and Lifting up

I’ve recently…well by recent I mean since my bday so like not even a week…been trying to become more organised. I know it sounds ironic to the people who know the amount of lists, calendars, devices I use to keep track of everything but its like something I feel like I can never do really well and I can never be enough, despite people telling me how organised I am and how on top of stuff I am.

Anyways, where I was going before I hit the tangent was that I was reading my devotion in a bid to just try to focus to do my assessment*. It never ceases to amaze me how they like all seem to relate to you at the time you read them as if like God knew but then its like crayer cos like lots of people read the same thing and like if they all find that it relates too its just like omg too much for my brain to handle!

Anyways, what I’ve been trying to get to is that it was essentially about how when you feel like you’re weak and failing and hopeless and comparing yourself with others who seem to have such a better and easier life that you need to remember your life journey is different and that you don’t know what their life is like. Yeah. That’s all the pretty straight forward stuff but the part that really got me was the part after where it was like rather than struggling to disguise or hide your weakness, allow God to use it. I know I’m like the type  that’s all must look composed like I got it under controlled, like I manage when others fail; like I can handle anything and in truth so often this isn’t true and that well I get overwhelmed; I feel like I fail and I just go home and have a cry.

Behind my door, a while ago, I wrote everything I want to be on sticky notes and stuck them there and its funny how like so many relate to being able to be seen as organised, on top of life and in control yet when people tell me how I’m so organised etc it doesn’t seem legit cos I know what it’s like inside. I don’t even know where I’m quite going now, but I think yeah I really wanna just be able to let go and enjoy the now and not worry about what next and how to plan my time in an attempt to make my life easier or something. I don’t quite know what I’m saying or what I’m getting to but a great verse I came across:

AND WE KNOW THAT IN ALL THINGS GOD WORKS OFR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM, WHO HAVE BEEN CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. – ROMANS 8:29

Time for me to go do that silly assessment!

xx Jo

*OMG IM SO EXCITED! legit this is the first time in my life pretty much I’ve started an assessment more than like one or two days before its due! Having said that, I only started it yesterday and its due on Fri but thats like 4 days which is a record for me!!! **insert partying emoticons that I can’t add cos I’m not on my phone**

A Long Long Week

It truly has been a long long week for me. I guess I’ve reached the stage in my schooling career where well my natural talent is not good enough and I have to study.

A reason I haven’t blogged for a while, is that this year has really been a struggle for me. Legit all my life, I’ve felt like I could do anything without trying (academically I mean, like I try to dance and yeah its not good) But now I’ve reached a stage where it comes down to memory and hard work; all of which is completely foreign to me. In many ways, I’ve been finding school hard. Like I never studied for science and I did averagely well (cept for with physics) which in not studying terms is amazing. In a way, I’ve developed some sort of a a pride for my ‘natural’ smartness ability but its as if God’s like its time for you to remember that you’re actually a noob.

The hardest thing for me especially this week has been remembering that whatever happens its God’s plan. I never thought I really struggled with this until now. It’s not like I’ve ever minded what maths mark I get or how badly I suck at science but its like now that I’ve chosen subjects I like, that I’m meant to good at that it really hits home how I don’t want to suck.

In many ways, it reminds me of young young Chinese school days. I am partially ashamed to admit I was one of those kids that went to Chinese school even if it was only from like kindy to year 2, I think. For someone who went, my Chinese is dreadful. I don’t even know if I can speak fluently and I can read like numbers. That’s about it. But the point is, I hate failing at stuff. I hate not being able to do well and for me, Chinese was one of those things. I don’t know if I sucked cos you had to do homework and revise which I never did but it literally made me feel like a legit fail cos I wanted to do well, to the extent I would cheat in the test and still fail. (I would write the words on the table before the test and look at them during the test. Only issue was that I didn’t know which word was which)

In a similar way, I wish now I was good at school and just at life. The stress of having to do stuff to succeed has legit really gotten the better of me. I have Colossians 3:17 written on my ‘silverboad’ (from ikea, its like a white board but silver so idk)

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, WHETHER IN WORD OR DEED, DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, JESUS, GIVING THANKS TO GOD THE FATHER THROUGH HIM.

In all truth, it can be said that I’ve lost sight of what’s ahead. School and work has become too much of what I can do; how amazing I am naturally, and no longer focussing on God. I really pray that I will be able to focus on God again this term. One of the best things I’ve heard for a while (probs not quoting 100% currently) from the sermon at church today from some intense 75 year research about something or rather found that Happiness comes from love. Full Stop. and I really can agree. When you have a good relationship with God, when you remember his love and you learn to love Him, no matter what happens, you love; you enjoy life.

In the while off blogging, I can truly say that without God, my life is essentially stress and lists. As exams, draw near, I really pray that I will find my love in Christ. I’m seriously looking forward to just how much more free I feel in a good relationship with God.

xx Jo

PS. I went to the effort of looking at my Chinese books to maybe take a pic to show how bad I was but yeah its not good. My dictation book legit is just filled with attempts to write words that look like Chinese with crosses and circles everywhere. The worst exam I got 4 or 48%. Can’t really tell with this handwriting but yeah now in a way I wish I had learnt so that I could someday go and travel or maybe do stuff in Chinese speaking country.

It’s nearly party time!!

 

I’m Back!

I feel like I haven’t blogged all year but idk if that’s cos I legit haven’t or more that stuff in the past seems like it happened so long ago. I don’t think anyone even reads this anymore hahah if you do, you’re nuts lol but yeah it’s really made me realise how just writing, ranting and talking really help me to deal with my stress and just figure what’s in my head out. In a way I’m glad I’m back now that no one reads so I can say whatever I want and no one will know hahahhaha

It just occurred to me that yr 12s are nearly graduating and that well… in a year it’ll mean I’ll graduate too. Just in a time where I’ve been quite ceebs in all aspects of life, its just brought home the idea that soon, life won’t be the same. There won’t be the school routine and early mornings or those late nighters as I dodgily begin assessments the night before. But (I’m really excited cos I just started a sentence with but and im pretty sure you can’t do that hurhrur) the thing that really hit home is how school is my mission field and how theres only one more year for me on this missionfield. It’s cray! like I seriously never thought I would survive till I could drop VA and music, then it was like I would never survive to drop science and wear senior uniform but here I am now.

It’s probs not very modest of me to say, but I seriously feel like I’ve matured and aged and lost years off my life. There’s just something about blogging that seriously gets me into a good positive mindframe. I’m hoping to blog more. To just chill and really be able to refocus on just the gloriousness of God’s creation all around me and all the opportunities I have. I don’t know how long this will last, but I’m seriously feeling blessed today.

Maybe it’s cos its my bday tomoz (this is not hinting or anything I promise) and I’ve suddenly gotten smarter but legit I’m really keen to just continue this positivity and all.

xx Jo