A Long Long Week

It truly has been a long long week for me. I guess I’ve reached the stage in my schooling career where well my natural talent is not good enough and I have to study.

A reason I haven’t blogged for a while, is that this year has really been a struggle for me. Legit all my life, I’ve felt like I could do anything without trying (academically I mean, like I try to dance and yeah its not good) But now I’ve reached a stage where it comes down to memory and hard work; all of which is completely foreign to me. In many ways, I’ve been finding school hard. Like I never studied for science and I did averagely well (cept for with physics) which in not studying terms is amazing. In a way, I’ve developed some sort of a a pride for my ‘natural’ smartness ability but its as if God’s like its time for you to remember that you’re actually a noob.

The hardest thing for me especially this week has been remembering that whatever happens its God’s plan. I never thought I really struggled with this until now. It’s not like I’ve ever minded what maths mark I get or how badly I suck at science but its like now that I’ve chosen subjects I like, that I’m meant to good at that it really hits home how I don’t want to suck.

In many ways, it reminds me of young young Chinese school days. I am partially ashamed to admit I was one of those kids that went to Chinese school even if it was only from like kindy to year 2, I think. For someone who went, my Chinese is dreadful. I don’t even know if I can speak fluently and I can read like numbers. That’s about it. But the point is, I hate failing at stuff. I hate not being able to do well and for me, Chinese was one of those things. I don’t know if I sucked cos you had to do homework and revise which I never did but it literally made me feel like a legit fail cos I wanted to do well, to the extent I would cheat in the test and still fail. (I would write the words on the table before the test and look at them during the test. Only issue was that I didn’t know which word was which)

In a similar way, I wish now I was good at school and just at life. The stress of having to do stuff to succeed has legit really gotten the better of me. I have Colossians 3:17 written on my ‘silverboad’ (from ikea, its like a white board but silver so idk)

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, WHETHER IN WORD OR DEED, DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, JESUS, GIVING THANKS TO GOD THE FATHER THROUGH HIM.

In all truth, it can be said that I’ve lost sight of what’s ahead. School and work has become too much of what I can do; how amazing I am naturally, and no longer focussing on God. I really pray that I will be able to focus on God again this term. One of the best things I’ve heard for a while (probs not quoting 100% currently) from the sermon at church today from some intense 75 year research about something or rather found that Happiness comes from love. Full Stop. and I really can agree. When you have a good relationship with God, when you remember his love and you learn to love Him, no matter what happens, you love; you enjoy life.

In the while off blogging, I can truly say that without God, my life is essentially stress and lists. As exams, draw near, I really pray that I will find my love in Christ. I’m seriously looking forward to just how much more free I feel in a good relationship with God.

xx Jo

PS. I went to the effort of looking at my Chinese books to maybe take a pic to show how bad I was but yeah its not good. My dictation book legit is just filled with attempts to write words that look like Chinese with crosses and circles everywhere. The worst exam I got 4 or 48%. Can’t really tell with this handwriting but yeah now in a way I wish I had learnt so that I could someday go and travel or maybe do stuff in Chinese speaking country.