But since then well lets just say I've had a fit. What I'm about to share really is quite personal to me and really makes me quite teary. I spent alot of yesterday deciding whehter to share it or not and i guess its finally gotten to me that Im gonna tell you cos it firstly helps me figure it out and secondly i dont know maybe its encouraging for you?
Let me start by saying I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and yes I still havent finished. The bit that really got me were two verses.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5Knowing God has a plan is just so comforting and so amazing but it really got me think why ME? When I think about it really makes me teary that he would want to use someone so proud and so self centred like me. This got me writing. I find that when you write stuff down it just seems more clear so I wrote to God and I legit wrote 3 pages. I dont know whether to type it out now or what but I guess the main thing is that basically its about how we dont deserve to be choosen, we dont deserve to be used by Him, we dont deserve his creation. As i look outside now at the pink sky and really just how amazing his work is, it really puzzles me why he would use me. Why he would want me.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10
Not only do we not deserve his plan but i try to create my own plan. I am a control freak and i need to have every single of everything under control and I need to be in control of everything. This is the bit they may come as a surprise to some. In many ways I often feel like its my duty to be that perfect person, the perfect Christian, someone everyone else looks up to, someone with all the answers; someones thats just perfect. Yet I know I'm never going to be perfect no matter how hard I try, it just wont happen. People put pressure on themeselves to do well in test, people put pressure on themselves to become the best at something but i guess i realise I put pressure on myself to be perfect in every way.
The part that really got me to type this up today basically in short is that there will be a Christmas event at church and I will not be involved in anyway. (this may sound bad and I really hope no-one from church reads this though thats probs not gonna happen hahah) I guess I feel like I should be included. I hate being excluded. I love being in the middle of everything and I love being involed and doing stuff but for once Im not included and for me that is actually something really big. I know everything happens for a reason but this is effecting my relationships in the sense that i feel like I just have to distance myself and avoid it.
In many ways I am jealous. I'm always jealous. I'm jealous of the people that make better cake than me (making me not want to bake for anyone). Im jealous of missionaries and how they can be so close and dependent on God. Im jealous of people with hardships where they really seek God and become closer to him. Im jealous of those that are getting baptised. I get told I look at the faults alot and i know its true.
The reason I talk about all of this now is cos I really think that its effecting the most important thing and thats God.
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stnad firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel. Philippians 1:27This verse really gets me cos it says to conduct yourselves in a manner WORTHY of the gospel of Christ. I am definitely not worthy and it's a reminder im not living for myself and I dont live to make myself look good or to make what I want happen. At the end of the day it's all for Jesus. For me thats really hard to accept. In relation to the Christmas event, I was talking to my mum (well more like bawling my eyes out but anyways) and what she said that struck me was that it's really up to God what happens. I am determined (like stubbornly determined, so determined that even if you paid me 1 million dollars i wouldnt consider it,) to not go. I'm quite arrogant in the sense that in the end God is probs just gonna make me go and I wont have 'won' and i will go and hate every minute of it. Whats even more stubborn is that normally I would pray that whatever Gods plan is that it will happen and I will be happy but this time I'm too scared to pray that. Im too scared to be happy about something I have no part in. Im too scared to go to something that I have no say in. I'm too scared for God's plan. Pretty ironic considering all my life the most comforting verse to me has been Jeremiah 29:11 all about God's plan.
(Wow this is ubber long, I feel for all those who have read up to here) Normally I try to end things with how I've fixed stuff or how its all good now but I really have no ending. I have no answer and I have no idea what to do. I'll finish now with my last para sorta of my letter.
I konw I always want to be involed in everything and that I really love being the centre of everything. I pray you will help me to really be satisfied just by you and not by other stuff.Its so amazing to know he's always there, always listening and always comforting.
I feel lke you really did choose one of the worst most hopeless arrogant people to be part of your plan. I have no idea what you choose me but I pray that you will lead me, you will give me the words and you will do whatever you want with me no matter what that means for me. I'm sorry for not putting you first. I'm sorry for being a bad example. I'm sorry for trying to take control of your plans. I'm sorry for being jealous and only looking at what i dont have. Im sorry for thinking and comparing myself with others. I'm sorry for letting your name down. I'm so thankful for your love and forgiveness and I really pray you will help me to trully love you with all my heart, soul and mind. Amen
xxx Jo
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