Some Deep Stuff

It's funny I say to myself no more deep hard stuff just really random blog posts but I struggle. I grew up in a Christian family and I never had to make a decision about going to church, I never had to make a decision about reading the bible and in some ways I never really noticed myself making a decision to trust in Jesus.

It's just always been that way. Every Sunday I go to church. No matter where I am or what I need to do I go. So that day I complained about being sleepy and I actually didn't have to go I didn't know what to do. It's like all these things I've done all my life suddenly I'm not doing it cos I have to.

I don't even know what happened from there but there's just a time you suddenly look at your life and you realise you drifted away. For someone like me all my life I've grown up being a Christian, living like one, reading the bible everyday and just being absorbed in learning and wanting to know, wanting to find out more.

Some time in Hong Kong I realised I lost that. I lost that passion. I lost that contentment. I lost my satisfaction. It's funny all that time I didn't change. Nothing appeared different except I got snappy but everyone just thought must be her monthly. To be honest I realised without God I'm lost. All my life I've had Him. All my life I've been sheltered from a life without salvation.

I didn't know how to say any of this until today. Until just now. But i remember one day just knowing i had enough. Knowing that I've screwed. I just remember going psalm 13:5 I don't know why but I alway have this thing where if you remember something so randomly you just have to read it. Sometimes it might not relate; sometimes it will. It had been like a few weeks since I had properly read a bible and I just remember reading psalm 13.

It's while reading that, I just felt like it was everything in my life summed up. It's funny it starts off as David begging God to show himself to him and just really going he's lost and doesn't know what to do. The part that got me most though, was verse 5 and 6. Up until then I seriously doubted whether I was still a Christian. I doubted whether I was really willing to give up everything. I doubted whether I loved Jesus with any of my heart let alone all of it. Just reading that I realised I never lost faith. I never doubted Gods love and I never lost faith in Jesus.

Wow. It's good to get that all outta my brain. But I'm still lost as ever. I still don't know what I'm doing. I guess I'm only just rediscovering God again.

xxx Jo