I have no idea what to say cept well yeah I'm a noob and I have no idea what im doing. Its funny now I think about it how I try to always know what Im doing and to be on top and in control of my life and yet still I find that I really am nothing without God, I really cant do much without Him.
 
Recent verse that Ive read that sums this all up is        In his heart a man plans his course,
            But the Lord determines his steps
      Proverbs 16:9
 
I don't know if anyone even reads this hahah and I feel like I shouldn't check but partially for my mental sanity I'll continue to blog just to be able to think and really reflect.

It's funny how after so many years of having to connect school work with the real world and other subjects that I do this somewhat automatically. What Im getting to is that in PDHPE we've been learning about how health is dynamic, meaning that it is constantly changing. This is like from year to year and even hour to hour.

In my overly dramatic way, I experienced this today and its a remainder of how God works whether you want him to or not, whether you have a plan or not, whether you are feeling well or not. In order to fully understand, I feel I need to recap my day. It all started I would say with a night before where I was tired and really not feeling it all. Didn't finish maths homework or start extension English assignment, let alone read through ISCF study for next day. I guess in a slack way, I went to sleep thinking if God wants me to go to ISCF he will automatically wake me up. What can I say  but at 7:00 I woke and looked at the time and realised train was in 8 mins. Its funny now I think about it because under any other circumstance I would've just caught the next one but I guess its more I felt like I had woken up so I was obliged to go on time after calling a friend hoping that she missed the train which would be an excuse to be late. Its still extraordinary how I made the train despite still wearing my retainer, folder not properly packed and desperately needing to pee.

In that moment I thought that God was good. He let me make the train when it seemed impossible and this contentment even carried over to my first class but it was only two hours in that as I went into extension English that it started to go badly and I remembered I hadn't done my one page assignment (well really homework task). Ive never taken not being on top of work and being able to hand stuff in on time and like not stress well. It pretty much took up all my energy and time for today. As I type now, hoping desperately Ive done most of whats due tomorrow, I realise now that I lost God. I lost that faith and contentment. I lost the peace and joy. I let myself let go of the cross. I conformed to the world.

Back to a PDHPE analogy. You judge how healthy you are by comparing yourself to others and to other times in your life and going off this I have to say my spiritual health has dropped. I've lost that passion and fire for God, Ive lost the longing, yearning to know His word. Its turned to more of a Ive always had God and it makes me feel content and hopeful and filled with peace and that's what I need now type relationship. What I guess im trying to say, is that Ive lost the true meaning of being a Christian. Ive strayed away and all I know how to do is to pray; to yearn for that passion; to be able to once more live knowing Jesus is everything and that I am literally nothing without Him.

xx Jo