It's funny that overtime I post, it's basically when I'm emotionally overwhelmed and just don't know what to do. I should honestly type it in a word doc instead of just word vomiting here but then again what would you even save a doc like that as.
Basically HSC has officially begun even though my work ethic is still the same and I'm pretty much under average in every subject atm but I like to think that when I start trying harder and getting more on top of my life that I will slowly begin to climb up. Having said that though everyone is pretty smart so it may just be gg for me but tbh this is currently the least of my concerns as I warm up before dumping my biggest life issues out for no one in particular to read.
Since year 12 started at the end of last year, I can honestly say I've become more emotional, mentally unstable and unsure of myself. I guess what I finally find a link with what I'm learning at school and my life now in Extension English. It's funny how much connection I find with Navigating the Global and my life and the way in which...well, let's just say that in so many ways I have no idea what I'm doing, where I belong in the world or what I'm anchored to or find my identity in. So much teenage angst in identity and just everything is like identity; who are you?; what do you want to do.
Anyways the point I'm getting to is that I totally relate to nav global but it was only yesterday that I realised just how much my life fits into the topic that if I'm thinking legit if I just wrote a creative on based off it, it would pretty much address most of the dot points. Back to the main issue which I am subtly trying to avoid. Essentially I write this now in a bid to try and figure out my thoughts and just to admit things I never wanted to before. There's so many places where this story could begin but short and direct, my grandpa is currently in hospital on the other side of the world and I'm feeling a lot more emotion about it then I ever thought I would. It's funny how as a kid I hated all things Asians and how now going to a school where its pretty much only asians I've found things I really like about Asians like Korean or Jap seaweed. I also love the human stories of Chinese and I guess how they escape from Maoist China and stuff like that (explained badly). Back to the main thing, in many ways following a long phone call with seriously amazing friends who I feel like I burden with my strange emotions, I've come to realise that I really admire my grandpa. I have to also note that it was only last year that my other grandpa pasted away and that a bad as I feel, I didn't have such strong emotions.
I don't know why but I've always liked knowing people's life story and stuff. Like I just find it so interesting and so amazing. How this links is that essentially, I feel like there's so much I don't know about my grandpa that I want to know. I know that he escaped from China into Hong Kong but I don't know why or how. I know he was one of those Asians who believed in his own handwork and didn't believe in relying in another religion but it was only after he was swimming in the ocean and became blind that he realised that ultimately his body failed him. I know where he use to live in rural China following a trip there a couple of years ago but I don't know the stories there to be told. In many ways I yearn to understand and want to know just all about it. I have no idea why but as I suppose under the navigating global ideology it would be to find a sense of belonging and understand who I am. Like seriously, me and God aren't tight atm but I feel like just this time, my grandpa in hospital is really just making me want to beg God. I feel like I finally have something I really want/need God and only God to do. As I sit now typing and just seriously crying thinking about it, I honestly just beg God to save him. I've honestly never felt like I've been so desperate for God or just for him to do something. I don't know how to end this but just thinking about all my grandpa gave up to give my dad and uncle an education just makes me really want to no waste their chance as I now basically struggle along school.
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