TBH i really have no idea how what I'm about to write although I half know generally where this is going. This topic I'm about to write about is something that i guess really scares me thinking about but its something I feel I have to do. Theres a really long back story to what I wanna say so here goes a long long rant I guess...
It's funny that I grew up in the same church all my life. I remember numerous times as a kid where I would want to change churches to some of my friends where there were less asians or seemed more fun or started later/earlier or seemed more tight or had better buildings etc cept unlike may other people my dad firmly believed that a church is like your family and that you can't choose your family and that when there is an issue you can't just flee. like if it started too early you couldn't just go to another church rather think about how to solve the problem; whether its you or something that needed to be changed. Anyways I will admit I've had times where I've legit loved going to church and times where I seriously hated it but went due to force. In hindsight, I realise it's one of the only things my parents ever forced on me at a young age and in that sense has become one of the most staple parts of my life. I've seriously watched the church buildings change, youth groups start and end, teenagers become leaders, my own sunday school teachers become parents and stuff. In many ways for me it is like a family, the place you go where you have say hi to all the aunties and uncles who use to always ask how old you were and tell you how much you've grown to now about hsc and whether you know what you want to do. that is all a bit side track but now I sit reminiscing essentially my childhood, my dreams of being a Sunday School Teacher who would give the kids awesome food to being a missionary to just all the plans I had of decorating all those noticeboards and changing stuff.
In many ways, I've grown pride in my little family. In the way that there now are so many services, that other people actually know it, that it seems to work. However, like so many things its not perfect. I've known for a long time through all those late nights eavesdropping you could say as my parents talked about church stuff. But for me as an innocent kid I would just sigh wondering why these silly adults couldn't just pray about it and give it to God to just fix himself. The reason now I realise its been so hard for me to talk about this is firstly cos of my pride and also in just the way it ruins the ideal image I have. I know I've been avoiding the what's actually happening and here it goes. Essentially as best as i can describe it, there has been a rising conflict between the Chinese and English. In many ways like an immigrant family where there are the parents from overseas in this case mainly Hong Kong and children growing up as the second? generation who now speak english with a whole different perception of the world. With these two backgrounds clashing has led to well essentially, as I see it with my evident bias, the English side deciding to split and set up a new church.
I still don't know how to come to terms with it or how i feel or what to do. Its now been at least a few months and I've changed from wanting to save the world and just somehow leading them back together peacefully to just being so torn and confused that I would honestly dig a hole somewhere and hide in it for like 50 years till this is all sorted. In many ways, it occurred to me that it feels like a divorce, where the english and chinese divorce leaving a child in the middle, me, who seems to just be ignored. I seriously sit here so unsure of what to do, what to think or say.
The reason I say this all now though is cos I realise that I've learnt a lesson that I really want to remember. It's a lesson that I have been waiting for, a lesson that I have essentially prayed for and pondered over for the longest time but never understood. First the verses that I have been trying to understand fully
But first seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well ~ Matthew 6:33
Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. ~ Colossians 3:1-3Why these verse you may now be wondering. Well for the longest time I have wondered about what it means to seek his kingdom; things above. Like its easy to know but hard to get get. Following on from all these church issues, Ive become aware of just well how crappy humans are in general. like even a church, God's chosen and holy people who are meant to be seeking the same thing cannot work together. In that sense I finally understand how perfect God's kingdom is; how I long for it to come and restore a perfect world, where God's people are all united no matter what language, generation, ideal under Christ.
I feel like it's only now as I see my ideal shatter; when my easy and pretty much trouble free life is screwed up in a major way that I am really able to see the need in the world for Christ. Just how even people supposedly united in Christ can just get all this stuff so wrong. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of some political battle as they attempt to nicely word stuff around me with subtle intentions of manipulating my very confused self. I feel like I don't really know who i can trust with my honest opinion anymore but I do know that it is part of God's plan in many ways I can now rejoice in knowing that there is something better coming, a perfect church, the one above; His Kingdom.
xx Jo
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