Solemly swear that writing or talking about things always helps you think. Lets just say today I had a day of massive ups and downs and I'm normally a very hormonal person but today was very much just a whole new level for me.
I may have mentioned this earlier but I've really wanted to be baptised. This has been something Ive wanted to do since I was around 10 but ive ignored the thought cos of my age for many years. Anyways the main thing is that I was maybe going to get baptised in October next month and then after lots of many ups and downs where I struggled between being respectful, duty, want and whether I really was ready.
It really has been something big for me after losing the most tears I have ever lost in one day after crying three or four times today, I really thought I had figured out how I was going to get baptised and how it would all work but as usual my plans didnt work with God's. It just so happens that my qualifying Duke of Ed walk is on the same day and bascially I've been told theres no way i'll make it back on time. Being me this is where I have my outburst (which I was really trying to avoid, considering I was about to say that I am ready to tell eveyrone that I'm really giving up everything for God).
My first reaction to all this was really, TRUST! trust God to ruin my plans. Trust God to remind me that He's in control and that Im powerless. Then it turned to anger. Like really God? After everything else you ruin, you decide to ruin something I'm trying to do for you. I actually said this to my dad, I wanted to punch God even though i know like he wont feel anything and it'd probs make me more pissed or atomic bomb him then i can die and not deal with these problems. I know I'm definitely an exaggerater.
I like to take things away; have something that Ive learnt. I may have said that I wanted to give up on God, that I hate God, that if he doesnt want me to get baptised I should just give up and that really his plans suck but at the end of the day I realised this has fired me up and made me more passionate. Its reminded me of my real cause to live. Its reminded me that no matter how much I plan its God's plan and its reminded me that I will never be perfect and that I will never be able to handle everything on my own. I hate to say this but his plans are always the best and I feel like I now have more motivation and I'm more compeled and ready than before. It'll be another 7 months till the next on but I'm sure that this is God's plan and I feel more ready then ever to live my life out fully for him.
xxxx Jo
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