I am officially hopeless. I actually started a post a week ago but well never really finished it. Throughout this week something I've really realised that you can't be happy without God as your centre. You can only be happy when you give it all to God.
An easy example of this would be yesterday. I finished and started school VERY VERY early for legacy day which is an organisationt that supports the widows and dependents of soldiers who pass away as a result of war. (yes i am very well practised in my speech) Had to get to the city before 7 which meant for me waking at 5 and getting home at 2 even after hanging around the city for a bit. So i was really excited to get home (and secretly busting to use a toilet) but once i got to the door, i realised the alarm was on meaning that we had been broken in. Cos im an impatient person i decided to take the risk (mainly cos i really needed a toilet) and i circled most of the house with a broom before entering and half checking each room while carrying an umbrella. I've always thought that... well if there was ever gonna be any body break in, i would be able to take them on.
So after calling my dad to say that I am in fact alive and he tells me to go toilet and lock the door so either way i'll live. Its sitting in the toilet that, i suddenly become aware of all the places that a murderer could be hiding and all the places I havent checked. Under the bed. In the wardrobes. Under tables. In cupboards. Its when you lose faith that things seem really bleak.
In so many ways this is like faith. When you lose faith things start to go bad. When I think about this, the first thing that comes to my mind is the story of Jesus walking on water and where Peter walks on water but when he sees all the dangers around him loses faith and falls. Matthew 14:22-33.
My lack of faith is so small compared to a lack of faith in God. In many ways I'm currently trying to put all my faith on God and not on my own ability. When I was younger I had a massive debate with myself about what if heaven isnt real and what if God doesnt exist? What happens? This was a time where I really had to decide where i would put my faith. After much prayer and lots and lots of questions I realised that it is faith alone which can save you and it is faith that you need. Its no good if you do everything right when everything is about faith. Your faith. Faith that isnt suaded by whats going on but faith that is permenant. One really assuring thing is that you can pray for more faith and you can pray for your faith to grow.
Thats all for now i suppose,
xxx Jo
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